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Here you go ladies and gents, the complete version of the alma mater.
Firm are thy tits O, Salem
There are no virgins here.
There's straights, there's bi's, there's lesbians.
Hell half the campus is queer.
So sing we of Salem ever
Where straight girls can't get laid.
We should all get strippers
For the amount of money we paid.
Pagans abound at Salem
Most Christians here are twits.
Cause Jesus wasn't Jewish 'cause
His name wasn't Christowitz.
So sing we of Salem ever
Where heathens still abound
We should all be burning
For the amount of sin that's found!
Salem's girls are pretty.
Wake boys prefer us best.
We lose weight cause of horrid food
And don't think with our chest!
So sing we of Salem ever
Where most of us have brains!
We outwit the Wake girls
Cause thinking causes them pain!
We'll graduate from Salem
We just can't get away!
Though we know we're hellbound.
We all still get mad play!
So sing we of Salem ever
We're about some sisterhood
We can't get out of here now!
No one knows if that's bad or good!
Tiana and Her Friends on...
Theater and Film
"I am NOT singing "Wouldn't It Be Loverly"
"What? You mean you'll sing "I Enjoy Being a Girl", but not "Wouldn't It Be Loverly"??"
"If I turn into the schedule Nazi, forgive me."
I'll wake up with a fake...no, it'll be a real smile, and make coffee and copies all day long. Just get me out of here."
"I never realized how horrid Broadway music really was."
"Shut up! That'll be MY horrid Broadway music someday!."
"That doesn't sound...stalker-ish? Does it?"
"Maybe you ought to rethink your career. This is the third hospital visit in a few months!"
"Theater is pain! Theater is pain!"
"Wow, then you're already a Tony winner."
Commitment and Relationships
"So what ARE you looking for in a woman."
"Tolerance! Tolerance and sarcasm."
"That's...a rare combination."
"I'm only looking for the marriage to last a few years."
"I plan on dying alone."
"Men are scum."
"I only want a formal date! After that...eh."
"Jose is my friend."
"After watching THAT, it just soured the whole marriage process for me."
"Look, its not like we were sucking face or anything!"
"Mmm mmmm mmmm mm"
"Shut up!!"
"You tried to burn down my mother fu*king house!"
"Those aren't my handcuffs. However, that is my massage oil."
"She finally got freaky! Finally got down with her bad self! Finally..."
"Ok, dude, if you use anymore bad sex cliches, I'll be forced to smack you."
"Sorry."
"So...how many licks does it take til you get to the..."
*smack*
"Nevermind."
"I smell sex...but no candy."
"I know, we didn't have any candy."
"Good, because I'd be irate if you had candy and didn't share."
"Yeah."
"Time to light some incense."
Drinking
"How much Boone's Farm have you had?"
"Only this much."
"That's an entire bottle."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Shit."
"T T T T T T? T-T?"
"I am all about some Jose."
"No one wants to see it!"
"You remember what happened LAST time you got drunk..."
"Not really."
"My knees don't work."
"I noticed."
"Ahhh sweet sweet Boone's Farm..."
"You are so ghetto."
"I know."
"I was drunk and bored."
"A deadly combination indeed..."
"Really? Who died?"
"Can we not have any table dancing, please?"
Lesbian and Gay Relationships
"Dude, the summons was like The Book of Nostradamus of Gay."
"SGU died."
"See, that's the advantage to being bi. We can still stare!"
"Welcome to the Family"
"Ok, so its not like I'm uber-gay."
"What the hell happened? You used to be all about you some peenie weenie!"
"See? Who needs a man? Women have all the things you need!"
"Like kleenex?"
"All that metaphorical lesbian talk made real lesbians!"
"Ha! I bet she wasn't expecting that!"
"WE weren't expecting that!"
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